The funny thing about being organic is that our molecules are always rearranging themselves for a different mix, which often translates into a different mood... when we are not fixed on maintaining the mood we're in, it's amazing how quickly our outlook can shift... instant to instant. I feel good this morning. The sun is shining... yes, it's still spring out there. My boy woke up crying, and my partner and I comforted him. He wouldn't tell us what was wrong, and we suspect he is upset that he wet the bed. So much shame there. I hates to admit it. He prefers to say that he 'sweated'... a lot! I suspect he feels ashamed because he is not in control of his body. Because he knows that we don't want him to wet the bed. We are gracious about it, but it's a mess we have to clean up so we always encourage him to pee before bed to avoid wetting it (our son drinks a lot of water). "We don't want you to wet the bed" we say. "I won't" he says. He thinks he is in control. And most nights he is. So when he is not, he doensn't simply shrug his shoulders and say "oh, I guess I lost control of my body; I guess maybe I was really out of control when I though I could manage it."
The same goes for me. I don't wet my bed anymore. But I also don't have control over my body. It feels what it feels. I can influence that by how I eat and exersize, and that is a marvelous insight and tool. But when I'm clipping along feeling everything is under control, then wham! Out of the blue I feel irritable, agitated or horny. I can get pissy or cross or quiet. It would be easy to feel shame about that, but I seek to keep it in perspective, to relax into it, to give myself a break. Yesterday was a shitty day on one level. But it was also just another day.
And today is a new day. As I seek to practice every morning, I recount all the things I am grateful for. My family, friends, partner. She is an amazing woman, and if you happen to drop in on my blog and only read a post to two you might wonder why I am with her. It is because she is such a good person, courageous and wise, tireless and self-sacrificing. Everything that I am, she is as well - at least when it comes to strength of character. We are a good match. When I am frustrated with her, it is often because I want to feel closer to her, want to share about what's going on with me and not have her feel threatened by that.
Everything in our lives we have manifested together. We have spent half our lives together, and over the past 20 years we've etched our own patterns, and they can be difficult to break out of. She is the reason we are in an open relationship. If I weren't so crazy about her, we wouldn't be in any relationship at all, But she is worth changing the way we do relationship. She is why LoveTribe exists... my effort to remake the world in a way that supports our relationship... to have a community that supports me in my sexuality and my partnership.
Perhaps that is why we have chosen each other. If I were with someone who had as much desire or cared to mollify her man (as I have heard some women remark), then these contributions to the world would not exist. And of couse, I bear equal credit.. for not willing to simply lay down and die when my whole self cried out to be alive. And so we have what we have created. Fraught with frustration at times, our tenuous connection remains strong enough to hold us together because we have created patterns and community that support our desires to be alive and vital while also being with each other and continually learning how to make those two goals more mutually supportive.
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